Returning to Lost Dreams
I'm trying to make good on an old promise to myself.
In 2008, I started my first blog.
Well, actually my boyfriend at the time started it for me. He was tired of hearing me complain about how my boss — the editor in chief of the magazine I worked for — wouldn’t approve my story pitches.
Therefore, I couldn’t write what I wanted to write. So instead, I was stuck writing one-page stories on the latest bougie restaurant in town and really expensive jewelry.
And just as a side note, guys, I was really good at spotting trends. I knew a good story before everyone else did. Like the time I wanted to write a feature on a little-known, but up-and-coming artist by the name of Pitbull.
My boss gave me a tiny spot in the back of the magazine for my story and told me to never pitch this no-name guy again. Sigh.
At least I got a photo.
The point of the blog was to give myself a creative outlet where I could write about everything I was curious about, which at time was anything having to do with personal development and spirituality.
I was in the beginning stages of my spiritual awakening, consuming any self-help book I could get my hands on.
A few books in, it hit me: Wait a second, every book I’m reading is written by an old dude. Am I the only 20-something woman interested in this stuff?
Just a few weeks after thinking about this, I spotted Gabby Bernstein on the cover of a book in Barnes and Noble.
Right away, I knew I wanted in on this career. I had no idea what her job title was, but I knew I wanted the same job she had.
(Oh, and I have a picture with her, too, in her early career days, when I wrote an article on her for a publication I was writing for.)
From a really young age, I knew I wanted my career to be fun. This was such a different view on what work could be, compared to how it was explained to me by the adults in my life.
What I was seeing growing up was that a career was a heavy responsibility that would ultimately be lived out as a prison sentence.
Rebellious by nature, I sought out to prove everyone wrong. I was going to find work I deeply loved.
Something I could devote myself to, and live happily ever after with. My career was always the true love story I sought.
I found my love and pursued it, but there was only one problem. Deep within me, I decided that the trade off to doing work I loved would mean that I would be broke.
I was okay with that, because I figured I’d marry some guy who would provide for me the same way my father had provided for my family. He would provide me the luxury of being able to do my creative work without setting any financial obligations on me.
So I made that happen, too. And my husband was an amazing provider — until he couldn’t anymore.
My husband was sick, and here we were, three kids and a mortgage deep. I needed to make money.
And honestly, I wanted to make money. Running my directionless and unprofitable personal development company was not fun anymore. What would make it fun is if it would actually make some money.
With no other choice, I shifted into high gear and miraculously began to make money performing intuitive readings.
At the time, this felt like a miracle because we really needed steady income, but the biggest surprise to me was learning that you could make good money doing what you loved. The curse of thinking that I would be a broke creative forever was finally lifted.
I was having so much fun making money, helping people, and providing for my family that I didn’t stop to think that maybe I was departing a little too far away from what I said I wanted to do when I first started my blog.
The original vision was to be a thought leader and an author. And accidentally I was becoming a practitioner — just like my father.
Isn’t that funny? When I realized I need to provide I unconsciously started to work like my father, a physician.
My father was a beast. He would work 12-hour shifts at the hospital and his private practice, seeing patient after patient. He would log in those hours, and in return, our family lived a good life.
I was doing the same. I was performing hundreds of readings a year, back-to-back. And honestly, for many years, I didn’t mind. I loved it. I was good at it. And I was helping so many.
But then I started to feel resentful. My arthritis began to rage with inflammation. And perhaps, even scarier, I started to see that look on my face. The look I saw on both my father and husband’s face when financially providing at any cost was beginning to steal their spirit.
Two years ago, while I sat in my rheumatologist’s office, I decided I needed to take my bravest leap yet. I would have to break apart, little by little, everything that had given me security over the last few years, in order to build back better.
The process has been hard, very confusing, but also deeply freeing.
In my latest book Soul-Led Living, I write about the detour paths we need to take after we’ve fallen off our soul’s path. In order to get on our soul’s true path, we take a detour path from the default paths we accidentally find ourselves on.
These past two years, for me, have been about slowly detouring back to what I originally set out to do, many years ago when I started that blog, but didn’t have the wisdom or enough courage to continue my soul’s true path.
So I write to you today as a way of documenting where I am on my path, and claiming where I’m about to go.
Here’s What I’m Doing to Detour Back to my Soul’s True Path
I’m going to write about it. I’m going to document it. Just like when I started that blog many moons ago, I will use this space as a way to understand myself.
I’m going to uplevel my thoughts around making money doing what I love. I want to believe I can be wildly successful financially doing the work my heart is craving.
I’m going to increase the sensation of what is overflowing within me. One of the things that got me in trouble and took me off path is that I started to create what I thought others wanted me to create. I lost the sensitivity to what was overflowing in me. When I first started my blog, I felt this need to share what I was learning. It was bubbling up in me. I believe we always have something that is overflowing, we just learn to numb the feeling because it can be quite inconvenient when you’re trying to live “responsibly” and “safely.”
Next Level Thoughts for Financially Successful Creatives
Here are some of my new thoughts in case you need them to:
It is safe to make money doing what I love in a way that puts me first
Wealth comes from expressing my overflow
I abundantly receive from the Universe as I share my true voice
My true voice is expression without self judgement, self censorship, and self criticism
Increasing the Sensation of Overflow within Me
I’m going to do this by
Being flexible with when I want to create. I’m going to tell myself that my camera is always ready and my computer is always available in case of I have something to say or write. I want to be less strict about when and how I have to create, and train myself to know that when I feel the urge, there’s always a camera or a computer nearby.
I’m going to focus more on feeling my body — specifically my stomach and chest — rather than my strategic mind. I’ve depended of my intelligence for too long, and while I’m grateful for it, my heart is what knows the way.
Your heart knows the way, too. Happy detouring.